FiredGoddessCathy WebGoddessCathy
[don't kid yourself]
[talk to me]


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<-- my life, by webgoddesscathy -->

:: Saturday, June 17, 2006 ::
I found another new artist that I like: Andrea Revel. Canadian. Totally my kind of music.

:: Cathy 9:34 PM [+] :: 0 comments

I watched "A River Runs Through It" tonight and something in the movie touched me:

Reverend Maclean says that we all say to ourselves:

"'We are willing help, but what, if anything, is needed?' For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love completely without complete understanding."

Is that much like asking to "be granted the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and to have the wisdom to know the difference" ?

:: Cathy 8:34 PM [+] :: 0 comments

I've been doing some work on my website this weekend (my travel section has been revamped and I've added a new section my trip to Nova Scotia in May). I just NOW realized that Flickr isn't everything I thought it was.

I can't actually put all my photos on there. They start to disappear after I have 200 up. So all this time, I've been happily uploading photos and they just disappear when I upload new ones. Well, this sucks.

Maybe there is a way around this, but I'm very sad at the moment because it means a HUGE amount of work is ahead of me if I want to get all my photos back onto my site.

Flickr is totally fired. What a piece of crap.

:: Cathy 4:26 PM [+] :: 0 comments

Last night, Sarah and I went to see a movie at Cinematheque Ontario, Love Streams.

I must say, although a night out with Sarah is always fantastic, it was likely the worst movie that I've ever paid money to see. I just didn't get it. And the best part was when I was waiting for the streetcar and a couple asked me if I'd seen the movie too.

"Did you hate it as much as I did?"

I try to keep an open mind about things. I do. I told the man that I figured that there was something I was missing; some sort of underlying principle that I wasn't aware of that would make everything make sense.

He laughed. "That's what they want you to think. It's like the Emperor's New Clothes. They want you to believe there's something wrong with you, not the film. They need to maintain the snooty artiste reputation of the film. But no," he said, "It's not you. It was the movie."

But I was determined to do some reading about the movie, since Cinematheque usually chooses quality artsy movies.

I'm really confused by this review of the film. And actually, all of these reviews as well.

This NY Times review tells it well, I think.

The explanation of love as a stream - a stream that never ends - is one that I can reflect on and have been thinking about lately. But other than that, and the well-played Jim the dog, I was left confused.

I just didn't get it.

Maybe it was a really great, border-breaking film for its time? I don't understand the context. If you have any idea what makes this a film that people rave about, let me know.

:: Cathy 2:02 PM [+] :: 1 comments

:: Friday, June 16, 2006 ::
So there are people out there who are busier than I am (well, actually, I don't actually believe that anyone is busier than anyone else unless one of those people is just sitting there doing absolutely nothing when another is, I don't know, meditating or something)...

Anyway, there are a lot of busy people out there who also blog about things that are important to them. And, like me, they also find it a challenge to blog about ALL of the things that are important to them.

Interesting post. Interesting idea: personal blog assistants. Read it.

:: Cathy 8:38 AM [+] :: 0 comments

:: Thursday, June 15, 2006 ::
Last night, Alex's band, The Free Press had fantastic show at Revival.

The band was totally charming, engaging and together. It was a rocking night for them. Even though everything went wrong that could go wrong (guitar strings breaking, mikes falling, guitars plugged into light dimmers) the band played on and played BETTER for it. They were totally in the zone.

I also really like Red Light Riot and Mandippal Jandu.

The other bands were a bit out of my taste range, which is much like saying that urine is an acquired taste.

However, it was free, it was a great venue and the three bands were amazing!

Great night out, although I didn't get home until late, late, late and woke up early, early, early. Thus it is past my bedtime. I'm off...

:: Cathy 6:51 PM [+] :: 0 comments

I helped produce an interesting event today for the launch of Women in Technology's Toronto Chapter launch: Sharing What it Takes to Advance in your Career

The women on the panel were amazing ladies:
Smart. Confident. Driven. Witty.

I suppose I've heard similar words of advice in other events that I've been to, but I just needed a refresher -- some incentive.

  • choose jobs that scare you; that's where you'll learn the most
  • choose lofty goals; even if you only get halfway there, you're better off than if you'd chosen a modest goal
  • diversify yourself (don't get pigeon-holed)
  • network; you're always in sales - selling yourself
  • be confident and bold in your choices and others will follow
  • surround yourself with smart people, that way it doesn't matter how much you know
  • choose positions that get you somewhere - preferably somewhere closer to changing the world
  • don't be afraid to make mistakes; mistakes are the best opportunity to learn

I've been feeling a little comfortable - I need to push some personal boundaries. I need to get motivated again.

Women often feel that they need to be better, more educated, more of an expert, in order to be just as good as any guy in a job. In reality, it's the confidence that matters.

Dear god, I'm in trouble.

:: Cathy 6:39 PM [+] :: 0 comments

Earlier this week, I had dinner with my university roommates, one of whom I rarely see because she lives in Keswick, and it takes a little longer than I'd like to walk there. (For those of you who don't know where Keswick is, click here.)

Anyway, me and Anita got together with Ev and her kids for dinner.

I gotta tell ya, I got more than a little emotional.

Her kids are five and two and they're blond and adorable and smart and mischievous and fun. And I totally got all teary watching them and colouring in their colouring book at the table and talking to Ev about her family.

"Cath," she said in her wise way, "Your body is trying to tell you something."

Maybe. Maybe it really does want a baby. Or maybe it just wants her life, with its beautiful simplicity and focus on the stuff that's really important.

I really do want to thank the people who commented in my blogs lately. It's been really super helpful. I really do feel like I've lost my way sometimes.

I'm normally so motivated/driven and it feels weird to have no where to really direct that energy right now. Well, I'm directing it in a direction that it doesn't wanna go, I suppose.

Anyway, people all around me are having babies and taking care of their kids and I just feel an ache in my chest because I know that I could do it. I know it's hard and the thought of motherhood really scares the crap out of me, but it's something I know I want... someday.

I know that now is not the time. But, I still feel the pull when cute kids sit on their parents' laps and ask the most ridiculous questions and smile with abandon and feel completely safe just because mommy and daddy are nearby.

But I continue to try to reroute this misguided instinct. I continue to try to make my life into something that deserves something that wonderful to happen to it. And those efforts take me in all sorts of unexpected directions.

I hope that this is me growing and learning and not me stagnating.

:: Cathy 6:21 PM [+] :: 2 comments

:: Monday, June 12, 2006 ::
Weekends are so strange lately.

My life is so different on the weekends, it becomes a very introspective time. Much like the cherished time I spent travelling.

Alex's band, The Free Press, had a show at the Rivoli as part of the North By Northeast music festival. It was a late, late show, playing after Fairfield, a band fronted by former Big Wreck artists.

I don't know if you remember Big Wreck, but they were an awesome band. A pretty tough act to follow. Sadly, it was not their best show and Alex was understandably upset.

He started talking about his dream. And said that he doesn't believe that anyone who's not IN this industry would understand his passion for his music career.

Of course I don't like to be told that I don't understand. I suppose I wouldn't mind if someone said "You don't understand what it's like to have cancer" or "have a baby" or "be Prime Minister" because they're right. I mean, I've had my brush with death but I didn't know it and didn't have to live with the knowledge that I was probably about to die. I've experienced pain, but have never created another human being nor had it fight to get out of my body through a very tiny opening. And I've lead projects and groups, but I've never been in a position in which every answer is the wrong one and is furthermore criticized openly by almost everyone in an entire country, plus a few foreigners.

But I have dreams, I protested in my head, don't I?

I panicked when I had trouble thinking about what I really want. It took some time. Some tearful moments of soul searching.

And I suddenly realized that many of the dreams I once had have been put on hold, forgotten or deliberately trashed.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a performer. I didn't know what, exactly, but I wanted to be on stage. I would have been good at it, whatever it was. I guess I liked acting, although singing was great too but I just didn't have the training in it to do it well enough.

But I realized that this was a ridiculous dream. The road was hard and the end result, even if I did "make it", probably wasn't something that I really wanted anyway. Long hours, mean people, difficulties fitting in your family life.

Fine. So I focussed on something more... responsible. I was going to be a writer. I love writing. I wrote reams and reams of stuff when I was in my teens. I loved writing stories. I still have everything in binders, stashed somewhere in my bookcase, or under my bed at my parents' house.

And then I went to school and realized how many great writers there are. And that writing for a living is not what I thought it would be. Journalism was about business and manipulation and marketing, not about learning and rarely about telling a story.

So I didn't want to do it anymore.

Then I fell in love with the web and it was good. It didn't disappoint. And I did a good job and got promoted and learned and was interested and excited. But I'm not content to just be good. I want to be great. I don't think I've hit "great" yet.

So that is a dream: be great. Develop some "great" Web feature.

But I still love writing. Sometimes. When I feel it.

I don't think I want to do it for a living - although if someone would pay me to write what I write, then fantastic. But I don't think that's going to happen. So that leaves the question: what am I going to write to achieve my dream? A book? I wonder what it would be about. And who would read it.

But my soul cries out for it. Quietly. Because it is also plagued by self-doubt. And when I'm doubting that I CAN do something, I pretend that I don't WANT to do it.

I also want to travel. As I wrote in a comment in my last blog, I want to suck all their is to learn out of the land and its people, and that's not something you can do on a vacation. I want to live another life for a while to know what it's like. I want experience to teach me and change me.

But I made a decision to put aside my extensive travel dreams in order to achieve another, more important goal, which is a family. Of course, this is one goal I cannot achieve on my own, although I believe I'm doing the right things to make it possible.

So don't tell me that I don't understand dreams.
Maybe I'm just a little less passionate and a lot less stubborn. Maybe I give up too easily or I'm afraid of not finishing so I don't want to start. Maybe there is something out of my control that is preventing me from realizing my dream.

Of course I have dreams.
They are dead all around me.

:: Cathy 6:35 AM [+] :: 3 comments

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