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WebGoddessCathy |
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<!-- March 23, 2003 --> 6pm, Toronto time. "Do not fear death That is in fact what I fear. And that's what I'm doing here in this plane. Jason (Jae-Sang) Park wrote in his farewell email to me: "I hope you find what you're looking for in Australia." It scared me because I wasn't sure, at the time, what I was looking for, or, at least, how to put it into words. But I realize now that I'm looking to live my life. The past two years or more, I have been existing, and maybe even searching for more -- what more? where could I find more? -- but I couldn't move past the existing. Could not see beyond where I was and what I had. I couldn't see the possibilities. I wanted to live but it was like I wasn't sure how. I was too safe, to secure in what I had. I thought the only way to bring happiness was to chase it somewhere. I'd run out of challenges and wasn't brave enough to create new ones that were challenging enough. So I decided to lock myself into one big one that I couldn't turn back from : a year in Australia. It was one weekend last summer in Ottawa when I was visiting my friend Raye That I really decided. But it was only when I TOLD people that I made it real. I hate being the "talker" or the dreamer. You know, that person who always has these lofty ideas that are grand and exciting and impractical. And you ignore them because they never follow through. Everyone knows someone like this. And I'm glad I do; they inspire me NOT to be like that. I cannot bear to fail. I cannot handle the embarrassment. And I KNOW that. So, in order to MAKE myself carry through with my plan, I deliberately told people. Only some people, the ones I could trust; the ones I knew I could not disappoint. Even so, I know they didn't really believe I'd do it. I know that's what they thought. They thought I was one of those. They smiled to my face and told me that was cool, but I know they secretly rolled their eyes and promptly forgot we'd even talked about it. But even as I planned this new life, this big change, I continued to "live" as I always had. Get up, go to work, do what I do there, try not to break down, try, try, try to make it all better, make it all work, strive to succeed in whatever terms I can measure that in. Go work out, do what I should do. Or maybe get together with someone for moview, or go to class. But I was going through the motions: doing the things I thought I should do, the things that should make me happy, that should accomplish my goals. But it was always a little empty. I didn't feel anything because I was changing the outside, not the inside. So I continued through my days. Until I got laid off. Then everything changed. And suddenly I lost my everyday purpose and I had to find a new one. I had the long term goal, but I needed to figure out what my passion was. I tried thinking back to when I was most happy. I realized then that I wsa most happy when I was social and friendly. And I was most social/friendly when I was happy. I wondered if I could make it happen. So I made another decision that I couldn' tturn back on : be more friendly. I AM a friendly person, just act like it. I guess I started to realize how I'd stopped being the old me when I was in career counselling, talking about networking. I realized that I wasn't even close to the friends I HAD. So I decided to recultivate and and make new friends - as I hadn't wanted to in a long time. It takes a lot of work to be a friend. But it turned out to all be worth it. That's when I started loving life again. I was having fun, I was telling people how I feel. I ws taking chances because I realized there was nothing to lose. Everyone wants a friend, everyone enjoys knowing that someone likes them. If you're not looking for anything back, then you can't get disappointed. So, I decided that I wasn't looing for anything but was open to anything. And I began to change and I loved it. I embraced life and people. Because it's all the same thing. To love life you HAVE to learn to love the human race. And maybe that's why losing my job made all the difference. I found out that there were/are a lot of people who cared about me. I didn't know that I'd had an effect on people, but I HAD. It was gratifying. It made everything - all the plodding through my life and the constant trying - worthwhile. That lets me know that sometimes there's a reason to try, to put out your best effort. It has effects you can't even dream of. So I'm not running away. I'm just putting all that effort into somethingnew. See if I can have an effect elsewhere. And I'm not leaving everything behind. Because there are many good people in my life that I know are worth keeping there. They're worth the effort. And so I WILL make the effort while I try on something new. While I live a second life. It's a liberating thought. And Leila, a girl in my class, gave me the inspiration: I will learn to rely on myself. I will learn that I can do anything. I just have to decide to do it. I want to see what's out there for me. I caught a glimpse of settling down 2.5 years ago and it filled me with panic. Was that ALL there was for me? Was THAT life the best that I could do? How did I know it was right for me when I'd experienced so little? Damn the questions, as I suspect there's never a right or wrong answer. It's what you do/make with what you've got. And it's never at ANY one time "it". There is no "this is it". I know it all keeps going and life continues and you keep growing and learning. I know there is no final destination, no finite answer. I know it's the journey along the way. But I'm afraid of missing out. As you go along, you have to make choices about what you do. You can't do everything. Lord knows I try. But I'm so afraid that, in making one choice, I'm leaving something even more amazing out. Alvin asked me how/when I became so frenetic (not his word, but it's what he meant). I think that's the answer: I'm afraid of missing out. It's like I told Scott once upon a time: my purpose/goal in life is to be the best person I can be. He thought that was an example of how self-centred I am. And that truly hurt me. I thought it to be the most honourable goal. What else could we be put here to do? What other purpose could there be for our lives than to make the most out of ourselves? I suppose it's self-centred in how it compares to an alternative goal of "give the most to others" or "make others happy". But I don't htink you can do that if Enjoying people makes me happy. Making others happy makes me happy. I'm a better person with each person I meet and come to understand. But pursuing this self-betterment HAS made me a little... frenetic. And I realize I harshly judge those who don't pursue it as well. I know it's wrong to judge, but I don't understand what their purpose in life can possibly be. Perhaps they've never thought of it. Or they leave it at: "have as muh fun as possible." Don't they know that MANY of the things worth having can only be had by working for it? Maybe they have the same questions I do about how worthy a pursuit/goal is and therefore can't justify the effort. If only they knew that it was the effort, the DOING that is the important part. I forget that too, sometimes. Sure I don't know if marriage is a truly worthwhile goal. But that doesn't mean that relationships are not important! I've only JUST realized this. It's why I wsa able to throw caution to the wind and go after it even though I was leaving. Because it's the connection with another person that's imporatnt. Not the outcome of that connection. For so long, I shied away from relationships because I wasn't interested in the outcome. Not interested in them either working out (marriage, ultimately) and certainly NOT interested in them NOT working out. Too painful, whether it's me that ends it or the other person. But going after relationships, giving them a chance, opened up whole new perspectives for me. I met new people, I discovered interesting things about human nature, I learned from my new friends; not only about them, but about myself. I know now that I COULD have changed my life without leaving. But I don't know if it would have been as "easy". Certainly this has been difficult to plan and took courage, so it hasn't been effortless. But the change, once the tickets are bought, is absolute. Nothing is the same anymore. Whereas, if I had stayed, it would be so easy just to continue on as I always had. Comfortable in my dissatisfaction, not knowing how to change it. I wsa content like that for so long. Content with my discontent. Change seemed like too much work. Now I can't believe I went to so much trouble just to create a change I could have exacted at home. But it's good. It's accomplishing my goal. Taking me OUT of my comfort zone - forcing me into new roles and new experiences. As I descend into Narita airport, I can't believe that this is the beginning of a whole year for me. It just doesn't seem real. |
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Other March 23rd entries: Cursing: snotty nose Watching: In-flight movie Tuck Everlasting |
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