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[don't kid yourself]
[talk to me]

 

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<!-- February 18, 2002 -->

I'm walking along queen west, headed to the Eaton Centre. Not seeing the magnificence of the city at night. Past Osgoode Hall, silent and stately. Past the brightly lit Nathan Phillips Square, filled with early evening ice skaters; teenage girls shrieking, small children waddling in their snowsuits. I walk right past, oblivious. Across the buffed marble floors of the Eaton Centre. My eyes focussed on nothing but my own thoughts.

Trying to discover what I LIKE about life. What I look FORWARD to.

Getting my braces off.
Falling in love.
Someone falling in love with me.
Owning a home with a big open kitchen.
Finishing my book. (harry potter)
Eating yummy food that's not good for me. Preferably chocolate.
Sleeping.
Watching movies.

Either quite short-term, something that I have no control over, or that's not good for me. Not a whole lot of excitement.

I suppose I like writing from time to time. I was excited to get home and write this. I'm excited to have a sleep-over with Jennifer in 2 weeks. I'm excited to have a Web site up and that it will be good and something that I'm proud of and can work stuff out on.... only that scares me that I have to be proud of it... a lot of pressure on myself. I have tough standards. Why can't something just be good enough? That's why I can't get going on anything difficult. Too much expectation or fear of failing or fear of just not doing *amazing*. I just can't handle being sub-par at the moment. And yet, that's what I feel I am at the moment: sub-par.

That's why I keep pushing myself to do more, do more, do more. I'm never doing enough. Why waste time doing things that waste my time? Why watch TV? Rather, why watch TV without guilt? It's not GOOD for me. There's nothing redeeming about it. It's not opening my mind; not accomplishing any goals. In fact, it's taking away precious time from my other goals!

Why can't I do ANYTHING without there being a good reason?

Maybe I just have to feel like I need something to show for all my alone time. In fact, I'm never actually alone. But maybe I feel I have to show Tony how WELL I'm doing since he buggered off and got himself a new girlfriend, even though he REALLY thought that maybe he just wasn't "mature enough" to be in a relationship. Oh the verbal diarrea. It sickens me that he is still able to affect me, even at a subconscious level. Sure, it's driven me to work out and be more healthy. But I still crave the chocolate. And it's getting ridiculous.

Why can't I just do all that I want to do and still manage to find peace with myself?

 

 
 

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